IMPROVEMENT TO REPORT

Once again I offer my gratitude for the kind comments left by friends on the previous entries.  They help more than you can know. 

I've been back home for about a month now, resting and healing.  This Tuesday was the first day I realized some real improvement in my vision.  And it occurs to me that I didn't previously mention that aspect of my disintegration...so, long story short:  Beginning in August when I returned from the first trip to RI, I experienced some loss of visual acuity.  I have terrible eyesight anyway, have been seriously nearsighted since I was seven years old, and have added difficulty with close vision as well as far, as I have grown older.  But this was something new.  A visit to the opthamologist brought the weird diagnosis of cornea damage due to copious crying of "toxic tears' in the weeks following my sister's death.  Apparently my tears of strong emotion are like bathing my eyes in acid, and I am an Olympic-level cryer at the best of times.  A second trip to the doctor earlier this month showed no improvement, not surprising, as I hadn't stopped crying at all.  After that visit, I realized I would have to find some other way of dealing with grief, crying myself blind was not an option I wanted to continue.  Thus, a month of meditation, Reiki healing, walks with my dog, cuddling on the couch with my cat, sleeping a lot, with a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday thrown in as a bonus.  Jamie and his family (Jamie is my partner's younger son) came from Denver, and grandchildren are the best therapy, I must say.  We also had friends andneighbors around the table, and the table was loaded with an amazing meal that I had spent the week before planning , shopping for, and cooking.  Cooking is also pretty good therapy.  Thanksgiving was the right holiday, as my Reiki practitioner advised me to do gratitude work, as part of my healing .

Right now we are in the throes of a winter storm that blew down from the Torthwest, yesterday bringing snow, wind and rapidly plunging temps.  The negative ions that acccompany a storm like this have raised my spirits enormously...it's the same feeling one gets walking by crashing waves at the shore - something I miss hugely, by the way.  But watching it snow on the mountains, the birds at my feeders, while I spent the day making turkey-tortilla soup with the carcass of the Thanksgiving bird, felt like such a great gift.  It was ELEVEN for a temperature just now when I walked the dog, but the precip is over, and the air smells clean and fresh, the New Mexico sun is back, shining on the snow, and both Honey (goofy old ocker spaniel) and I had a spring in our step.

So,  I have better days and worse days with my vision, but I am trying to look ahead, in every way, and to spend as much time looking at beauty as I can.  I think this may be what "I lift up my eyes to the mountains" may actually mean, and I am trying to do it whenever possible.  Next opthamology appointment is Dec. 13, two weeks to continue the healing.

Later, the same life

First of all I want to thank the friends who left comments on my last post;  It is so heartening to hear from you, to know you are still there, and to feel your sympathy and caring so strongly.  I am home now fromMy second stay in Rhode Island, which, though well-intentioned,  was a complete disaster, and ended up being much shorter than I had intended.  My mental health is fragile at the best of times, and two days of going through my sister's house with my niece was all it took for my sanity to unhook and sail away like an icefloe.If my darling sister Katy from Dallas hadn't come up and worked with us for the rest of that week and then practically carried me onto a plane, Lord knows what might have happened.   .  The grief, anguish, and guilt we all feel is so  magnified by our realization of the circumstances of Peggy's last years, the fact that she was living in such squalor and wretchedness without ever reaching out to us, even repudiating any of our efforts to reach in to her with love and aid is so unfathomable in every way.  My inability to stay on for the rest of the month and continue to help her kidswith the settling of things only adds to my guilt and disgust with myself.   Katy and I also both became physically very ill while we were there, in all probability from over a week spent in that mold-filled colddamp dreadful house, and it's going to take a good while to recover from the whole thing as best we can.   We actually managed to accomplish quite a lot in the short time we were there, and hopefully the kids will be able to carry on with only our long-distance help.  I hope it will be possible to get my niece and nephews out to either Texas or New Mexico to visit their aunts at some point during the winter holidays.  These are going to be very difficult months for all of us, and for me it is only being with my sisters and their kids, and our boys and their kids, that gives me any solace and comfort or peace.