On a more personal note than usual, though i guess i've been kinda building up to it - my situation of the past few posts has been more than a blue mood, or a minor down period. i've been subject to depression most of my adult life, often been on medication, usually in therapy. i dropped my meds late last summer, because my insurance won't pay for it, and i felt fine. over the ensuing months i've been feeling less and less fine, but able to generally keep it together. for the past couple of months i've only been barely able to keep it together long enough to make it through the teaching week, then spend the weekend collapsed in helpless uncontrollable sobbing. the past few weeks the sobbing has been trying to break through into class time, and yesterday i lost the battle. i had to leave the campus, after making a complete fool of myself, and drove straight to my doctor's office. she called G at work and had her drive me to the mental health facility in Dover, where she wanted to hospitalize me for a while.
i convinced the assessment team that i wasn't going to put my head in the oven, and that it was too far for a daily drive for "day hospital." so, i'm at home with a lot of meds, about to go take some, and zone off into zombie land. they all agree that not sleeping is a large part of the current problem. as well as the simple fact that my brain chemistry is such that i just need nice little pills to make it through the day/night/life.
there's no tragedy, no sorrow, no factual explanation for this. it's organic in origin, and organic compounds will, im sha allah, given time to take effect, take care of it. an improved version of me should be around soon. in the meantime, i'm not going to do much blogging. all the news results in, yes, sobbing, and commentary is impossible. i do believe that paying so much attention to what's happening in the political realm has been a contributor to my collapse. it's idiotic to be this fragile, but we are what we are. if i'm in any shape to do it, G and i are planning to go to New York for Passover/Easter weekend. her sisters, nieces, one son and his kids, will all be gathered there for a big family Seder. which hasn't happened in a long time. i hope to be able to make it. so, now, i'm going to go see the white rabbit and take a pill.
peace be with you all.
11 comments:
((((((((((Marigolds)))))))))) All I can say is that my heart is with you and you go and do whatever you must to feel better. Those of us that visit you will still do so when you are rested and ready to come back. I had to stop watching the news for the most part to deal with the depression that I too deal with from time to time. I am glad you were able to get your meds back. Sweetie, just relax and you and G have a pleasant trip. Go, and try to enjoy yourself. I'll miss you but I'll be here when you let me know you are here. All the best~RC~
You have been alluding to bouts of depression in the past, but I thought it was all due to all the horrible news we're being barraged with on a daily basis. I didn't realize it goes way beyond the normal level we all go through.
Please take as much time as you can to rest and recover. Your welfare is of utmost importance, everything else is secondary. We will be here when you get back, hopefully with great news of your full recovery.
Until then, take care. My thoughts are with you and G.
I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. Sending healing vibes your way. fwiw.
You've got support here...I hope you can get ya to the family gathering, too. I know being around other folks, and kids, can often help me snap to. I know where you are -- I'm a frequent visitor to the bluesies -- and my heart's out to you....As everyone's noted, take your time, take care of yourself, and come back when you're ready.
I'm glad you're getting back on anti-depressants, and I hope you definitely get some sleep. I've been battling depression forever it seems and have been on and off medication for close to 20 years now. Illness does not equal fragility. There are times for my own health I have to retreat from the news of the world. That isn't a weakness. One person can't take it all -- all of the time. Anyway, you have my best thoughts, and if you welcome my prayers for your health and peace of mind, you have them.
I've been worried about you lately with your blue funk. Am very glad to know that you are back on your meds. And you're right -- the daily dose of bad news probably has been a big contributor to the problem. Take your time, get better and hopefully we'll have a big party in November.
I was so sorry to read about your struggles. I'm glad you're getting help! I was raised in an atmosphere where we would "just deal with it" when we felt bad, but as I have matured (I like to think I have, anyway) I realize that it takes more courage to face a problem than to stuff it down! You go face this and we'll be hear when you want us! The times we are living in have got to be making every thinking person question their own rationality. Your journal proves you are one of the most sensible people I know!
I hope you feel better very soon.
Mary
Mari, I`m so happy you`re taking the Meds! Scrimp somewhere else, if necessary.
Do you see a therapist, also?
Vince
I wish you all the best, sending lots of metta your way!
Hey Gurl, take care of yourself and stop reading the newspapers. I'm thinking of you, and sending you positive energy. Don't skip the meds, they're good for you. You have my number if you need to talk.
Your Imaginary Best Friend,
Tank Gurl
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